


Diseased Loneliness

by fairyeyes



Category: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni | Higurashi When They Cry
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Hospitalization, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:55:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25543231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairyeyes/pseuds/fairyeyes
Summary: She looked to the side. That was a lie. It was her fault. She’s the one who started all of this and she’ll have to face the end of it. Spoilers for Matsuriyabashi.
Relationships: Takano Miyo/Tomitake Jirou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Diseased Loneliness

Takano Miyo woke up in a familiar setting except the roles were switched. Instead of her waking up in the nurses’ station, she woke up on a hospital bed and in a hospital room. There was a dull pain all across her arms - something that felt like numerous scratches and something stuck in her arm which somehow felt nourishing. As a nurse, she knew exactly what that feeling was, she didn’t even need to confirm that she had an I.V. set up next to her. She just knew and she didn’t need to sit up to do so.

However, she knew she couldn’t move too much. Again, she didn’t need to guess what they were. They were the same cruel straps she had used on patients before. The only thing she didn’t immediately recognize as something wrapped around her wrist. Unfortunately, it clinked against a sensitive spot on her bandaged arm so anytime she moved, it scraped across the pain and it was sharp. It hurt and Takano groaned in pain. The heart monitor next to her didn’t waver no matter how many times she felt such pain.

Because she couldn’t move, because she couldn’t feel anything but sorrow and pain, Miyo felt tears come out of her eyes. She wanted to whimper but the images of that day reflected every time she opened and closed her eyes. The sound of the helicopters, the gunshots, the club members, the rain… the voice of a God who tempted her death. All of the images and sounds she couldn’t pick up rang in her head and all she could do was whimper and cried. She couldn’t scream out as she could hear the familiar sounds of soldiers’ footsteps. The subtle sounds of the plastic on the gun wasn’t ignored by the echoes of this clinic. Or did she just remember the sound of that revolver from that day?

But she had no allies. Maybe she should’ve died after all. The hell she had to endure before brought her to this moment. How disappointed would her grandfather be? He didn’t want her to suffer from his own disease but Miyo was sure that the Hinamizawa Syndrome would win out before whatever treatment Irie had planned for her. She knew he was behind the unearthing of the conspiracy. The doctor must’ve had allies to back him up. He sweet-talked his way to their good graces. Ohh, how wonderful it was to have allies!! How wonderful it would be to have people listen and agree with your intentions so, so easily!! 

Anger clouded her mind immediately with her sorrow as she gritted her teeth so hard, she knew if she could apply the right pressure, the right angle, she could knock any of her teeth loose. That was the power of her anger. Every hem and every haw, she had to learn how to be polite and how to read between the lines and took it at face value. Miyo had to learn how to speak the language of men and abandon her own gendered world. She didn’t forget what she was; it was more that she had to have the appearance and mannerisms of a woman and ‘knew her role’ and played to her advantages. The only true ally she had in this life besides her grandfather was Koizumi but she still had to appeal to him. Was it a true allyship? Surely, he expected to die soon. He joked about it. He commented on it. It would’ve been rude to ask. So the question that lingered in her mind: Was he a true ally in the first place? Was she just a personified favor to her precious grandfather? Ohhhh, to be a man with allies - no one could use you as a favor. No one could use your gender against you. She should’ve been the director!! She should’ve been the leader instead of a ‘nurse’!! She is the one with the proper studies!! Was it really so strange that a woman was in charge of a clinic???

A man with allies… even if Irie was punished for his crimes, he was a man of allies. It was his allies that pushed him to the original mission in the first place. God must’ve smiled on him when he was born. By all accounts, he shouldn’t be a neurologist in the first place with his criminal background. Allies, allies, allies, she never had any real allies in the end, didn’t she? Everyone abandoned her at the first chance they got.

Even worse, Miyo realized with time that she was a pasty; the person who takes the fall… the one who took the blame for everyone’s mistakes.

She looked to the side. That was a lie. It was her fault. She’s the one who started all of this and she’ll have to face the end of it.

The I.V. nourished her body but her dull headache throbbed and she could hear the heart monitor slightly speed up and then slow back down to normal. She tried to calm her anger down but she really found she couldn’t do that. She felt the rise of anger up again and this time she thought about how easily Okonogi threw the gun at her and **ordered** her to kill herself. Not asked, not begged, but Okonogi acted as though he had any right to **order a Major to do such a thing**.

For the fact her heart rate wouldn't go down, this must’ve alerted the staff. She didn’t know where they came from but they were trying to subdue her. Why? Why were they trying to subdue her? She didn’t appreciate them trying to subdue her. She had been on the other side of it before and she knew the difference then - so what changed now? What changed now? There were always patient advocates and they allied themselves to them - but Miyo couldn’t find a single advocate for herself. The Bloodhounds probably wouldn’t allow them to come in. They wouldn’t let them be her allies. Ohh, she truly didn’t deserve allies. She struggled as she tried to fight them all.

Why didn’t they bring out any sedation? That’s what she would’ve done. That’s what she did. That’s what she had done. Ohh, but back then she had allies! She had people who trusted her, even if it’s a temporary trust, they still trusted her. Ohh, but they weren’t allies anymore!! They wanted to subdue her and she just wanted the pain to stop. Her dull headache became sharper and harder. It hurt and it’d be easier at this point to stop struggling and to just let them do what they wanted but Miyo had never allowed that in the past, why should she let that control her present now?

Regardless, the strength of all the male soldiers and even some of the female nurses who probably relished the thought of holding this ex-head nurse down in such a way. Truly, no allies…

And then, a familiar face seemed to almost materialize from the crowd was Doctor Irie himself. This allied man… this man whose life was followed by God’s smile and wonderful allies came to her side and managed to dare to give her a worried expression. Wasn’t the whole point of gaining real control of this clinic to take revenge on her? After all, Miyo was the one who wanted to study the Hinamizawa Syndrome more than him. He wanted to do it for ‘humanitarian’ reasons, but Miyo knew it was just a way to gain more allies to protect him from his sordid past.

“It’ll be okay, Takano-san, let me take care of you.” He got out a mini-flashlight and looked into each of her eyes. Miyo knew what he was looking for but she still tried her best to glare at him.

_I know what you’re **really** doing!!! You’re not my ally! Get away from me!!! No, you won’t take care of me!! Stop it!!_

She wanted to yell and scream and wanted to even spit at him. However, she couldn’t, she wouldn’t. She knew that she would get sedated if she did so. She wanted to be lucid and she wanted to know exactly what’s going on with her body. Miyo didn’t trust any of these people - Bloodhounds, doctors, nurses, and especially Doctor Irie. She had no real allies….!!!

But eventually, they had to sedate her. Miyo had no track of time. She could’ve been asleep for days, weeks, months, or it could’ve been hours and minutes. She would never know. And yet, when she finally managed to come to, she felt empty. Nothing was in her head but the pounding that remained. She absolutely hated this lack of feeling. She then noticed a tray that was close to her though she couldn’t see what was on it. Miyo assumed it was food but she didn’t want to please them. Even if she ate, would they even care about her? She knew she would have to eventually face the disciplinary committee when she was “better”, but what did that mean anymore?

Miyo knew better than anyone that all she wanted was to bring her grandfather to God status. Why else did he bring up Jesus and his resurrection? And she failed him. It was a simple thing to do. She was his only ally and she failed him. Irie’s work on the Hinamizawa Syndrome is what will elevate **him** to God status. Maybe her grandfather’s work will be immortalized but ultimately, it will be him whose name will be on those documents.

And he’s such a humanitarian, he would be revered while Miyo would be a violent footnote. Not even history would ally with her, Miyo would be the catalyst for his future career. Miyo is the failed granddaughter people would sneer and laugh at. And God will continue to smile on Irie, even with his transgressions. No true allies for Miyo… Soon, the devil himself walked in and he dared to give her a smile - a smile she now realized was real and one he gave to patients.

“How are you doing, Takano-san? You’ve been out for some time! We brought you some food to eat.” He brought up her bed to a sitting position, even though she was still strapped to the bed. He brought the tray to her lap and undid her straps. Miyo had little to no energy. If there was a way to describe that feeling, it was as though a heavy vase and it’s very delicate stand were glued together but must be moved to another area. Any movement Miyo did, that vase on her shoulders threatened to topple over. She was assisted by Irie and she couldn’t think to curse him as he got her steady enough to lie down safely back on the bed. Miyo felt extremely tired. What was the amount of sedation they gave her? She didn’t really feel any hunger but she knew Irie would want her to eat. After all, he wanted to look good for his allies. There were sure to be cameras who watched her.

Miyo didn’t answer but she glared at him. She knew she didn’t look like anything as she did before. She was a mess. Her hair hadn’t been washed with her own hands and shampoos. It stood up all over the place and hasn’t been styled. Did they bother to wash her hair while she was out from her sedation? 

“Here, I got you some omurice, miso soup, and some pickled vegetables. Go ahead and eat up. I know you’ve been in and out for some time so you’re probably feeling hungry right now.” No answer. Irie chuckled and it was then Miyo saw how he put his hair nowadays - a ponytail. Miyo could barely remember what style he even had so she was surprised at herself she even noticed. Even if she wanted to eat, she couldn’t anyway as she was strapped down and handcuffed to the bed. She followed him with her eyes and watched him unstrap her and she couldn’t help but get angry. Why was he being so kind to her? She’s a prisoner, isn’t she? Even if she didn’t deserve such kindness, what was the point of this all? “I left a pair of chopsticks and even a spoon if you needed it.” He turned around and Miyo also saw that the door was closed; then he turned back to her and got closer. “You also have a visitor. Let me just fix your hair.”

Doctor Irie moved his hand and gently straightened out her hair as best as a man could. The temptation to spit at him grew very strong but her mouth was dry. The only thing she could do is hold back tears she was surprised she still had. Maybe the I.V. gave her enough nourishment to only cry. Was this God’s kindness for a sinner like her? One thing though that Miyo didn’t want to do was to cry in front of men, especially someone like Doctor Irie. Was he a true director?

“There you go, Takano-san,” The doctor said gently as he adjusted his position. “You look beautiful now. Feel free to start eating. I’ll let him in.” He gave her another smile and headed towards the door. Miyo laid still as she realized that while Irie headed to the door. There was no way she would have lifted the utensils on her own. Was this Irie’s form of punishment? Oh, this must be for everything from back then… She should’ve turned the gun on herself after all. She didn’t have any allies.

Miyo couldn’t help but laugh bitterly. Who would be the visitor? It’s surely not Nomura. It’s likely that Nomura planned to get out of the situation as quickly and cleanly as possible. Most likely the Mountain Dogs have gotten rid of all of their documents and evidence even before the Bloodhounds even thought about going there. However, she was alive… if she could do something… if she had no allies, Nomura just lost another. Instead, she just gained an enemy. Oh, if Miyo were to live, she would live for a different revenge. Even if she failed harder than how she failed her precious grandfather, someone she actually stupidly loved, imagine what she could do for someone she despises. She’ll bring all of them down!! All of them!! They will see how useless their allies were!! She maneuvered this far, even if she crashed, and even by her enemies’ standards, that’s pretty incredible, isn’t it? Ohhh, she will live to fight all of her enemies!! This is why she pushed everyone away - she only let them in as long as they provided some kind of use for her grandfather’s project and she’d be a God along with him… but if she can’t become a God, instead of a human, she could be a demon. The demon that these people read about, dream about, talk about and even celebrate. Oyashiro-sama is someone who is celebrated even if the townspeople don't realize he’s a demon.

The familiar sound of bells echoed when she heard the door open. She didn’t realize she clutched to the mattress and blanket below her. On the off-chance it was Nomura, Miyo let her anger through her face. It was a rare occurrence for most people to see her true intentions. People always thought she was strange for telling scary stories and being interested in occult stories - there’s really one person who seemed to accept that.

And it was the last person she’d expect to see as he made his way. Tomitake Jirou gave her a smile and a small wave as he closed the door behind. This surprised Miyo so much that her expression faltered just a little bit and then it grew angrier if possible. In fact, this is probably the angriest Miyo has even been.

_Why is he here? Is he here to discipline me? I’m in the hospital! I’ll give my statement when I’m better!_

“Hey, you don’t know how many favors I had to call in so I can even set foot in this clinic.” He laughed as he pulled up a chair close to her. It really hasn’t been that long, has it? Irie seemed to only recently put up a ponytail but Jirou really seemed to be the same. Same haircut, same tank top… same glasses. He just never changed. And he still couldn’t read the room. Her face was still angry but the tears that came out were the violent ones. She sobbed as she found the energy to move forward to hide her tears. Tomitake wasn’t sure what to do but to gently pat her back. The handcuffs rubbed against her wounds and it hurt both inside and out. She grunted and tried to stop her crying but she just **couldn’t**. And Tomitake was here to see it all.

“Takano-san,” Tomitake whispered as he tried his best to comfort her. She continued to sob and the only thing that ran through her mind was how she didn’t deserve someone like Tomitake. He still didn’t know how to comfort her and he did his best to. He tried to talk to her about some nonsense from the military - something about scheduling a disciplinary meeting with his superiors and what could happen if she just cooperated with them with everything Tokyo did. It was clear that he really tried to help her feel better on what’s to come behind those doors when she’s discharged.

Maybe she should’ve swallowed that final bullet instead of aimlessly shooting at that child. She wouldn’t have missed.

“I’m your ally, Takano-san, please don’t forget that.”

_Ally…? Ally? Ally… Tomitake isn’t my ally. He’s just telling me what’s going to happen. That’s what **he** thinks an ally was!! Useless!! Useless!!!! I tried to kill him so maybe this is his last kindness!! Ugh!! I cannot believe how massively I failed!_

“I know it doesn’t seem that way, but that’s why I said what I said that day. I did that to save your life.”

Miyo looked at him with teary, angry eyes. “W-what?” She didn’t even recognize her own voice. It was so incredibly hoarse and her throat was so incredibly dry. Was this the same body she arrived in Hinamizawa with? Was it really the same body she ran through those woods when Grandfather saved her? Was this the same body they spent a lot of passionate nights with? Oh, she barely recognized herself. She could feel the straps on her body still and the handcuffs continued to make her wounds hurt more than it should. “What?” She couldn’t believe him but she had to hear those words again.

“Takano-san,” Tomitake said as he sat back down and grabbed her tray of food with a spoon. Miyo had likely been only using the I.V. to gain the very basic nourishment she needed but she really didn’t really know how long she’s been in this dreadful clinic. “I know you tried to kill me… but I understand that wasn’t you.”

“That was me!”

“No, I know it was you. What I meant to say is that I understand that you were under someone else’s influence. You see, even though I’m a witness and a kidnapped person, they had to interview me and they asked about Tokyo and if I had any knowledge about their involvement with invoking Manuel 34. I told them the truth - I didn’t. However, that gave me some kind of hope. As long as you cooperate with them, they may give you a much milder punishment. They’ll definitely take your rank and there’s a high chance they’ll have to take your grandfather’s research to allocate it further. And… you may never see it again.”

“But that’s **my** work. That’s **my grandfather’s work**! There’s no way they can just take it!”

“I understand how you feel, but they have to do it to help you.”

“Then lock me up! I tried to kill you, Tomitake!!! How can you… how can you tell me to give up the only thing I have left of my grandfather? How could you!”

The heart rate monitor started to beep more again so Tomitake shushed her. It’s clear he didn’t want to attract the guard or any of the medical staff outside who salivated at the thought of sedating Miyo once again. And why was Miyo so angry at him? He should be angrier at her for trying to kill him. She used her body against him - literally in their time together in freedom and as a threat to have him fall in the ranks. How could he call himself an ally? She didn’t deserve such a gift. A singular ally was something she didn’t deserve after being such a failure of a granddaughter, researcher, a ranked officer… a human.

Once again, Tomitake shushed and even moved his body to sit on her bed. She could feel the weight of his body and the warmth he offered more than this hospital bed ever did. Oddly enough, it worked… It was comforting. It was the comfort a dead grandfather couldn’t give his living granddaughter. It was the comfort two officers of the military couldn’t legally give each other. Rather, it was the comfort a man and a woman could give each other. Miyo did her best to avoid that comfort, that warmth because she had to focus on her grandfather’s arrival as God. She was so focused on the needs and the pressures of her dead grandfather that she forgot that she was still actually human.

Tomitake lifted her damaged, sobbing head up, and even through his slightly blurred glasses, he had a very soft smile on his face. Through her tears, she felt something that tugged in her heart that she felt that day he didn’t show up. A longing to belong somewhere clouded her mind instead of the diseased loneliness that she allowed to fester over the year - all for the sake of her grandfather. She lived selflessly for him and right now, Tomitake looked at her in a way that truly scared her.

It wasn’t death that ever scared Miyo. She’d die a thousand and one deaths if it meant her grandfather’s research would be given a serious look. No, instead of death in his eyes, she found life. And that terrified her.

“Takano-san, you must let him go. He’s always going to be with you. In fact, if he saw you right now like this, he’d be very grateful that you’re even alive. When I mean I’m your ally, I mean I’m **_your_** ally. Everything I did - I did it for you. I did it to ensure your safety.”

“B-but why? I did nothing to deserve your kindness. I-I deserve to be locked up… I committed so many sins… S-so many sins, I don’t know if God will ever forgive me.”

Tomitake smiled brighter. “Of course He will. After everything you’ve been through, you can’t just give up now.”

Miyo wanted to look away but she couldn’t. She couldn’t depend on a man. They only used others and hurt women. Tomitake was someone that just happened to be assigned to this job. Would anyone go out on such a limb for her? What would he want in return? She had once promised her body in exchange for his views to change. And he surprised her when he stubbornly stuck to his ideals. Tomitake was always interesting to her.

“What makes you so sure things will work out that way? **If** I decide to accept you being my ally, that is. And answer me! Why are you helping me?”

He shrugged. “I honestly don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?! Why did you tell me that if you can’t even promise these things? How can I trust you? How?! Why won’t you just tell me? How can you sit there and lie to me like that!!”

“You’re here safe in this clinic. Irie made sure he was the head doctor so no one in the staff could come close to you to harm you further. I’ve been here every day since you were admitted, when you were sedated. This is just the first time you’ve seen me awake.”

“What…?” Miyo just couldn’t wrap her head around it. “Why would you do that?”

“Because Furude-san told me something about miracles. She said a miracle can only work when **everyone** believes in it. Doctor Irie believes in you. I believe in you. I know deep in your heart that your grandfather would believe in you. The only person we’re waiting for is you, Takano-san. We want you to believe your innocence to grant you something that’s like freedom. We want you to believe that life can begin again for you and you need to believe in that more than anything. I know you don’t want to die. Right now,” he grabbed her free hand and gently placed it on her chest, where the heart would be, “your heart is heavy. That’s proof enough you’re human. I understand enough how much your grandfather’s research meant to you… but surely, even he wouldn’t want you like this.”

“Doctor...Irie… an ...ally…?” She thought about it and it made her angry. Why would he want to ally with her? He had enough allies. This incident proved her to be a detriment to any allyship… and he and Tomitake-san still wanted to be with her. She couldn’t understand that. “I don’t understand. It’s because of me this whole thing happened… and I probably have that syndrome.”

“Just rest for now. We’ll worry about that when the time comes. Come on, your omurice is getting cold.”

For the rest of the visit, Miyo couldn’t stop crying. Tears wouldn’t stop flowing even as Tomitake fed her the omurice and other foods. Even when Miyo couldn’t finish her food, Tomitake praised her. He did everything right unlike the time before when they went on casual dates. Miyo actually wondered if he read a book on the matter. There’s no way a man that clueless could suddenly know the right words, right position to sit, but he did it.

“Tomitake-san...it’s like you leveled up…” Miyo couldn’t help but comment almost a bit too coldly. Although, Miyo felt as though she could breathe easier without the assistance of her paranoia that usually kept itself by her ears.  
  


He laughed gently. “I’m trying! Please don’t tease me when I’m doing so well. You’ll knock me off course. Oh! That reminds me!” After some time, he brought out his camera and started to show Miyo the photos from Watanagashi. She couldn’t help but be bitter, especially when she saw the club members. They enjoyed the festival as though nothing happened. They would always have each other and they will be able to create miracles if that’s what the queen… if that Furude girl said was true.

When Tomitake left for the day, Miyo, for the first time, didn’t feel as though her diseased loneliness would creep into her head. If it was true what Tomitake said, if he was truly going to visit her every day, then… maybe it was time to give up her grandfather and let herself sink into those pools of life.

**Author's Note:**

> When I started Higurashi, I didn't expect to feel as sorry for Takano as I did. That last chapter really opened my eyes to how much I actually felt for and especially the end. Of course, a lot of it is extremely relatable so a bit of me may have escaped to this story... still, I hope you can see what I see of Takano. I really want to expand this to multiple chapters because now I just want to see Takano (and Tomitake) happy and safe but I really want to see your reactions before I do so! Well, if I really wanted to, I probably should just go for it.
> 
> As always, thank you for your comments and kudos. I really appreciate them and I hope you yourself are healthy and safe from this pandemic.


End file.
